My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
Yeah, but I'm out of licorice and there's no way anywhere near here will rent us all mopeds on a Tuesday night.
the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
He had really great hair, but he told me he's been in a psych ward three times. I mean I know I'm a psych major, but that's too much.
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
Randomize
