just bought miller high life, hungry man dinners, and a bottle of lube. you win life, you win.
He told me he had never done that before...I responded with "clearly"
just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
he stopped talking to me after i tried to use his body as a surf board
I totally just found ecstasy floating around in the bottom of my purse, it's almost like good karma from the time I lost that blow...but not quite
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
His parents know me as "the white shoed screamer"
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
We're gonna be late. Scott went too far predrinking amd tried pierce his own lip with a poptab. Save me a beer, i'm gonna need it.
I'm getting married
To pizza
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
Is it day drinking when the suns up like when does that start
asking for a friend
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