In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
Do you think he likes his girlfriend's moustache?
my phone cant type all the emotion im having
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
Bering your kids um. Abiout tol. Throw up
my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
Thank you for FINALLY joining the Slutasorus Rex club in this conversation.
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
He's like a sexy bearded lumberjack who likes wine.. I can't lose..
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
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