I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
She said "I only hook up with guys I'm dating"
So... What happend then?
We dated for an hour, i broke up with her after. BOOM.
I drank mimosas and played bocce ball in the middle of finals week...now i know how Comm majors feel all the time.
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
It's ok. Rob's just shotgunning upside down.
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
I just drove my booty call to his booty call, if that isn't spreading the love, I don't know what is.
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
Sorry, I didn't know he was with you. The ongoing collapse of Trump has me horny as hell.
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
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