Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
Everyone threw up but him. I took off my shirt because I puked on it. There were also a lot of drag queens involved.
Should have know they were on something when he started filling a Togo container with fruit
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
Randomize
