I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
what happened last night??
everyone saw ******'s vagina
and that's just the beginning
take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
Omg just want to confirm: got drunk, naked in street, fucked in bathroom and puked on bart.
I'm not ready for the Pike bikes to move back in to town it was wonderful seeing that sorority house empty all summer
... I'm KD
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
yyyea i think im gonna go get a bowl and play skyrim. And by bowl i mean something i can throw up in, not weed
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
Randomize
