she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
yeah but it's new years. they should arrest people for being sober that day.
I will never underestimate my ability to drunken ramble. At one point last night i think i was talking about hieroglyphics
The slutty girl scout law, revised for halloween 10: on my honor i will try, to serve my vagina and my shot glass. To hold back friends hair at all voming moments and to live by the sluttly girl scout law.
It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him.
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
the puppy had a little leather gag and was using a ball gag as a fetch toy
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
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