either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
At the same time. Hot men feeding me brownies. In between rounds of sex.
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
You need to stop blackout tweeting at him to have sex with you on the roof of your dorm. He doesn't even have a twitter.
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
We should. Taco Bell definitely gives me the shits though.
It's girls night. No shame, just febreeze
That was the first time I ever heard of a female getting road head while driving... thanks for the memory and making me happy ending..
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
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