So it's 11:24am. I've had sex twice and been laid 3 times. I love holidays!
I understand the whole sex thing but did you really get laid or is that synonymous for more alcohol?????
Honestly.
Don't say a word.
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
thought i was the most hungover person in class until i saw a kid puke into his bookbag...he wins
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
nothing like a cross blunt to celebrate the birth of our savior
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
Although the guy I'm messing around with just offered to let me be his rich brother's sugar baby
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