I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
he asked me what things i liked that he did in bed, and i told him all the things i hated so he would use it on that new bitch and she wouldnt hook up with him anymore.
you for real need to get over him dude
Two girls down stairs, two girls up stairs and....
We've got ourselves a situation
How much time is enough between masturbating and watching little bear?
Does the blue bra belong to your sister or cousin?
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
Damn it. If you ever throw me again, take video.
I'm so glad I can be everyone's guide to the world of fucked up kinks
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
Randomize
