1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
It's American, baby! There ain't nothin gross about America.
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
What is a foreign vacation of stupidity without some fake names?
He invites me over too FucK and i wind up eating 6 jimboys tacos with his roommates. While he waited in his room. Maybe next time
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
He asked if we were going to take advantage of his drunken state. When we said no he tired to show us what we were missing out on. It was so sad it almost made him cute.
I’m a go ahead and fuck down ATL. So when I leave in January I’ll have no regrets.
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
Randomize
