OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
haha you were like: "I don't want to uh pressure you.." as you took your own shirt off
how the fuck did you end up in georgia? you were here at my party dry humping some chick 2 hours ago
so you mean to tell me that there is no way you can get me?
I am not one to point fingers but since it says your name "wuz here" next to the dick drawn on my stomach I am holding you personally responsible.
I found a ladder. I don't know where I am. Gonna climb it. I feel like aladin
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
Good friends chat about sex - great friends ask about safe words.
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
So... he's my second cousin's step-bro... To do or not to do?
Randomize
