So now everyone thinks I don't know what a condom is
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
The best part of my day was getting high in the parking lot of the movie theater and taking pics in the photo booth with the caption "CONGRATULATIONS!" we geeked out because it congratulated us for getting high
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
I'm sorry for breaking our door. And being a bitch about it.
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
I someohow managed to lose my butt plug in tne midst of moving to B.C. and I am not a happy camper.
Randomize