god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
New drinking game watching teenage mutant ninja turtles movie and drinking every time raphael says damn, someone says april or ms oneil, and shredder appears And every time we see a mustache
She asked the class if starwars was based on a true story...
His facebook says he is a fan of "underwater handjobs"
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
Everyone here knows my boyfriend as "Half Baked". Life, he's doing it right.
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
I was mid hand job and stopped me because he wanted to "connect" which meant putting his thumb in between my eyebrows and a hand over my heart and closing our eyes...
Not now. Out of camp chairs. Carving a new one with a chainsaw. Mushrooms are starting to kick and I gotta get this done NOW.
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
Idk if you own a vibrator or anything but it's not smart to leave it in dad's car for him to find :/
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