I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
Dont forget the glove box taco bell stash i saved for drunk us.
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
He used one of his curtains as a leash and hand restraints. He wins the creative sex challenge hands down.
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
I just wanna be euthanized
Thas it
Is it sad that my idea of a quality foursome would involve one person eating me out while the other two rub my feet?
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
Randomize
