On a scale of affliction to ed hardy, how douchy is in there right now?
I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
I think there was chlamydia in those woods.
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
Currently getting "blaow" buzzed into my pubes. How's your thursday?
He was my shower sex Sherpa last night. And we both made it safely up the mountain.
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
Randomize
