the new term for farting is butt boxing.
my night went downhill once I lost my bikershorts. EAWSSSSYY ACCESS
She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
My near death experience also doubled as my coming out story
they all just nodded
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
Girls at BYU need to learn how to handle a penis. I swear my date last night was trying to pull it off my body to use later.
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
I still have a little drunk in my system
Cant leave im designed bacon maker you come here
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
Randomize
