Apparently you make a good broom.
The only good thing about ohio is that i can get 2 half gallons of soco for 40 bucks
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
Maybe you can hide out somewhere she would never go. Like a counseling center or AA
There is a BIG difference between doing coke and getting peed on and getting peed on FOR coke
I sent him a tit pic on accident and he replied with "nice ass"
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
Randomize
