I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
No, pictures of your dick will not make me feel better about my grandmother having a brain tumor.
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
ur not supposed to find someone to make out with when ur bf takes u to his SISTERS house to hang out with her and her husband
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
I love everything about him! His penis, his hair, his tattoos, his penis, his cat, his penis.
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
Randomize
