my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
should my break up email to my English professor be in MLA format?
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
I was so intoxicated last night I was giving out my real name and number ugh.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
So he came on my stomach this morning and I totally forgot about it until after you poured that body shot.
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
Randomize
