sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
MCAT status: Day 64, no longer can remember what sex is like.
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
It's a "party harder or raise your standards" kind if night.
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
there is puke in my bra ... again
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
Randomize
