Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
dude all my bootycalls are going to Eclipse tonight... Do I really want it that bad?
Just charged fat mistake $3 for a beer.
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
I swear to god if he wasnt on the fourth floor balcony and I wasn't to drunk to climb I would kill him
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
I think it's awesome that you're getting shower sex advice from a Mormon.
PS: when I ask you if I look fat in a a dress DO NOT TAKE YOUR SWEET ASS GAY TIME to formulate an answer only to tell me in front of our family that perhaps I should buy Spanx. Do you WANT me to tell mom and dad you suck cock? Then be a good brother and have the common decency to LIEEEEEE!!!!
Might I also add after my boss threw up in the garbage can and yelled puking rally, he dougied, then told me I wasn't about that life.
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
So i dislocated my knee but still went home and fucked his brains out. Nothing gets in the way of my sex life. NOTHING.
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
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