My sheets look like a crime scene.
you started puking right when a nickelback song came on..it was epic
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
Everything was cool until I tried to photo bomb those Hells Angels, then it's all a blank
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
Randomize
