We are so in love
so when's the next time you get to see your balls
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
I'll be so proud. Like a proud mama bear freeing my slut cub into the wild.
Hahaha it was a great moment in my life. This must be what post child birth feels like, given you don't get a combined asshole/ vagina
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
I just watched a porn called gay of thrones and I think I've reached a new low in my life
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
Randomize
