i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
She just tagged pictures of you wrapped in the "above the influence banner" like a toga.
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
what kind of roommate is she really? she wouldn't even hold my hair back.
They were picking gravel out of my face for an hour. I think I took more out of the road than the road did of me.
Barfights against pavement aren't genrally won by people. Props.
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
He is asleep with his dick hanging out of my my little pony pajamas. I am required to wake this man up by blowjob
Your sexual fantasies often terrify me but get a pic
Metaphysical thesis on the illusion of self+ 2 day adderal binge = the walls of reality are crumbling
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
Halloween: the only night of the year wheee the more high I get, the more it compliments my makeup and outfit.
I took a pregnancy test at Pancheros a bit ago.
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
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