I accidentally had phone sex last night
I just peed or puked all or around my parjibgb lot.
parking. I am not drunk
You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
she keeps a pillow, blanket, and a pack of saltines under the bathroom sink, for "rough nights".
I don't remember how we paid for the cab. I do however remember giving him my heels 2 help with the bill.
So basically he tried to get out of the car and crawl on the highway with the broken leg because he didn't want to go to the hospital. It was not a good time...then we got pizza though.
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
At least you didn't sleep with Ashley's uncle.
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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