I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
He didn't know it yet but he was about to go down on me.
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
i'm covered in glitter and body paint WTF
We're showing the video later bring pizza
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
I'm sure if Robin Williams was still with us he would want you to see boobs.
We're sort of like brothers. Except with more sexual tension. And we don't look alike. Or are related.
So we're not much like brothers really.
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
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