final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
Um....sorry for hooking up with your brother last night...
Actually i take that back. You dropped the whiskey last night and broke the bottle. Were even
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
i was drinking at the bar last night with a guy with no bottom teeth, wearing zubas and a polka dotted hat. if that isn't the definition of wisconsin, i dont know what is
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
COME TO THE TOP OF THE MOUNTAIN AND I WILL GIVE YOU MY SAGE ADVICE.
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
just drove past - why are you walking towards the shop in your pyjamas?
Can't talk, on a quest for bacon.
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