I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
I really couldn't tell if she was disgusted with the fact that I yacked on her shoes, or if she was about to do the same to me.
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
someone who i have in my phone as thundercock just said he was DTF
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
Dude it's sisterhood of the traveling wine glasses here
Hun, it's always cinco de Drinko in our family. It's like Groundhog Day. Only with more booze.
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
I think I need to expose myself to your dog so he knows that I am also a male.
My nerves will need dicks later so.. I'll call you
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
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