mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
I've been watching too much manswers. Cuz i know scissoring doesn't work on a motorcycle.
We aren't going to mix hockey and sex texts tonight.
I totally agree. all sexting is on hold till after the games over.
Playoffs. This shit is serious.
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
please come back they are interrogating me about masturbation
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
Can I use your boat
Also, what’s the deal with international water? Do they have signs out there like a city does or do I need a map?
WTH is going on? It’s the middle of the night
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
Randomize
