I would do things to you that would get us burned at the stake if we lived in a puritan village.
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
I don't want to have to force feed him my vagina!!
Bjs on a first date are the gateway to getting to know someone for who they really are.
Second time this week margarita night turned homoerotic
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
Seriously dude...who threw up on Michelle? She's been crying for like an hour
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
I feel like it's the kind of place that would appriciate my Aladdin vest
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
Randomize
