no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
By the way, her vagina was so tight i was worried that i would be stuck forever
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
the higher we get, the more he looks like ray charles.
Now he's lighting his socks on fire
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
I think I'm still fucked. I can see the electricty going through the street car lines
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
im In safeway buying a bottle of Ciroc in short shorts at 3:00 pm on a Monday, yeah I don't know either.
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
Randomize
