hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
we need 14,000 post its to execute this plan
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
All I remember was after sex she kept trying to take pictures of my dick "for memories"
did you not get the photos of the finger bruises on my ass?
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
If my drunken penis pic is ever to be forgiven id like to start over with all that
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
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