You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
The liquor store is having an inventory reduction sale. It would be a sin not to stop and help them out.
And we all know God doesn't like sinners.
Amen.
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
i want to find a way to basically assault his face with my vagina.
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
So apparently I ended up throwing my clothes in the toilet after getting kicked out of TQ and ran around the neighborhood in my boxers. Works gonna suck hard once this hangover kicks in. Also: I lost a shoe so looks like flipflops for the rest of winter
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
It's a mix of hot dirty sex and week old bong water
This is a long quiet interstate without somebody to sext.
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
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