after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men.
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
Dude you can sell sperm for 100 to 250 bucks a time. And the best part is there will be kids all over the world that will have me as a daddy. It's like I'm jerking off my way into ruling the world
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
My mom just blew pot smoke into my nose and called me a cat.
Also pregame at mine tomorrow?
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
I don't hate him I just hate being present to see him consume 80 dollars worth of alcohol and then try to tip people with left over money on a Walmart gift card
It's the building I live in, they were lucky I was wearing clothes at all
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
You're 21st was epic. I woke up at 6 a.m. on the floating beer pong table in the pool with a beer still in hand. Didn't even spill any
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
He kept telling me my vagina was a pleasure cave... I ended up just taking it as a complimetn
Is it bad that I'm not at all bothered by the fact that to some people I'm simply known as the girl that takes her shirt off?
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
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