God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
They had to restock the bar 3 times before midnight. There is a bridesmaid dress hanging in a tree outside.
Come down. You're the next contestant on this bowl.
We were naked in bed for hours and we didn't have sex. Either he's gay or he wants to respect me. Neither of which I approve of.
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
Moral of the story is go have sex with a foreigner and report back to me.
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
Randomize
