I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
There's always time for handjobs
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
It threw me off a little. I had to take a moment and ask myself, "Is he really fingering me in his mom's kitchen while I eat a whopper?"
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
I'm hammerd and his penis is still the size of a giraffe's neck
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
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