my boss just made his own remix to aaron carter's i want candy. i cant decide if its the funniest or most embarrassing thing ive seen
Dude you didn't move for like 2 hours then suddenly sang the chorus to ghetto superstar and passed back out
Going home with an argentinian named sulvio. Ill let you know how it goes.
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
I'm just over here all sober hanging with two high people talking about how they're "free-spirited stallions."
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
well you don't shave your pubes into a handlebar mustache and keep the party to yourself
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
Being on probation is a nice change of pace. It's refreshing to wake up and know what I did last night.
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
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