It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
Sorry no. I've already promised my first single hookup to somebody.
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
Also.. The Hobbit does not look like a cartoon. We were just too fucking high.
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
The uber man and I sat in silence. With my underwear in my purse and my dress shoved in the pocket of the hoodie the guy gave me.
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
Do I masturbate or eat a pound of matazah. Alissa help what do I do??
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
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