I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
but it was less of a make out and more of a goodnight kiss as a "thanks for giving our drunk asses a ride home and sorry we called your bar the worst bar in LA"
No she probably looked into my aura and saw that my penis would ruin her.
Can I get that on a shirt
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
Only I could go on a date with one guy, have a beer with a different guy and go home with the guy im trying to avoid. I have a talent or a problem.
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
day drinking didnt prepare me for this..
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