My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
And then he said "I can't get blown while Gordon Bombay and Mr. Holland stare at me from the TV"
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
they're like a gay fantastic four
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
Either I just got hit on by a 10 year old.girl dressed like a boy or I just got hit on by a midget lesbian. Either way I feel uncomfortable
googling pictures of Lindsey Lohan so that I know what to wear to court is definitely a low point in my life
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
"I'm looking more at his dick bulge." Never thought I'd hear those words come out of my boyfriend's mouth.
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
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