The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
You discussed the Arab/Israeli conflict with the guy behind the counter at the Kebab shop telling him you supported his people. He was clearly Asian.
The cops just drove by on their loudspeaker going DO NOT DRINK THE WATAHH
I love boston
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
yeah, it's no longer just 'day drinking' when it's 5pm and you're knocking over fruit displays at fresh market
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
Should I get the rainbow boxer breifs???
As your boyfriend, this is a level of gay that even I can't handle.
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
HE LITERALLY JUST PEED IN MY ROOM IDK WHAT TO DO HELP
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
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