just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
She kept biting his ear when he was talking to people, that was only 3 drinks in...
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
Uh oh I Hage to dance yes, my feet are Whitney Houston
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
Let me put it this way - if I had a list of things I would like between my legs, she would rank below the cello I turned into firewood sophomore year.
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
I drew a nude short fat middle aged woman today and liked it
It was honestly one of my favorite days in art class except for the 20 min she faced me and kept looking at me and we made eye contact
Ok here's the state of the situation: We're alone in a strange city with strange people with nothing but alcohol and sprite, I think we're gonna make it.
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
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