I had to go to the bank to confirm purchases made on 10/31/09 because they were signed as Lady Gaga
I'll bring the barf blanket just in case.
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
thats because you have standards... and i have a thing for guys that give me free drugs.
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
He started french braiding my hair while I was blowing him. The question is not why, but how.
I feel horrible. I brought her to your house like a late night pizza delivery and dropped her off.
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
Randomize
