Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
I feel like abortions should bother me more
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
he gets drunk and then tries to eat the lasers at the dance club
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
I mentioned your name at this party and some girl started crying.
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
We were ushered out of Medieval Times by a squire for making out in the torture chamber. Children were present.
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
Just beer bonged through a snorkel, add that to the list
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
She super glued his penis to his testicles. And shaved off a good portion of his hair after he passed out at the party.
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
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