haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
new excercise plan: walk a mile get a bj then walk a mile home
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
Yours weakened by children. Mine weakened by a forearm sized cock for 8 years.
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
Randomize
