thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
I think I left my camera at your house. It would be in both of our best interests if you don't go through the pics.
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
They broke our car window and then wrote "great night" on the next
My way of showing team usa support, bronze: handy silver: bj gold: home run. God, I'm patriotic
after the fucking you spent twenty minutes vomiting naked and shaking your dick at my roommates. luckily, i don't remember that, or i'd have to be really insulted.
The last thing I remember about last night was guzzling white zinfandel out of the box and eating cheese. And I was thinking OH YOU FANCY HUHHH
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
Please don't think I'm weird for texting you this at 12:08 am but I just found another picture on the Internet where I think you can see his dick through whatever he's wearing
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