I feel uncomfortable when she gargles my jizz.
I just typed my entire senior project presentation on my blackberry,
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
Best part? I know that the likelyhood of this turning into an intimate relationship is like 4.25%
We were running down las vegas boulevard at 8:30 am with our beers cause we were late for our flight
If my sophomore year were to be made into a novel, it would be titled "dances with salvia"
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
This country song on the radio just had a rap break. What. No. Why.
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
Randomize
