you screamed 'he won't go on a date with me, but he gave me a free junior chicken'
well imagine, me dating the manager equals free junior chickens for everyone
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
I'm pretty sure you can't just waltz into a walk in clinic and ask them to de-baby you.
She was drinking straight whiskey out of her peacock shaped vase again.
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
On the bad side I puked, but on the bright side I puked lettuce which was a new experiance
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
I'm at the bar, forgot my pants. Everyone's over reacting
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
Thirty seconds is a long time in jizz time...
I ate 2 pot cookies before we left the house. Fuck Pokemon. I'm playing my own game.
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
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