Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
so after he got his stomach pumped, he asked for a smoking room.
Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
and I keep making him eat me out and buying me presents, this is paradise. I wish he cheated on me earlier.
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
It's called "lets see how many European capitals we can do the walk of shame through in one year"
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
If I'm walking weird, don't judge me. Things got kinda outta hand with the GoPro on.
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