i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
Watching water boil has never been so amazing. I love wake-and-bakes.
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
I went from looking for a bong to home decor in a 10 minute span. This is what being an adult is all about!
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
Randomize
