Theres this tee in the mall and it says all girls just wanna have safe sex. U make me think thats a lie
apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
just read twilight to her over the phone, while in the bathtub, candlelight...i'd love to say no homo but that was so gay.
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
Bring your friend that fell asleep in the bathroom for my friend.
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
I just made out with Ricky Ullman of Phil of the Future fame and I don't know what I'm doing anymore. Help.
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
It got weird the panthers lost and we started throwing wings at one another
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
Sitting naked, eating lucky charms with rain boots on
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