Homeslice needs to figure out he's so 2006
Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
My cha cha got a haircut
thank god. going down on you was like chewing on astroturf
Her throat is strong enough to gargle peanut butter. I'm sure you were satisfied.
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
There's a cute bearded guy at this brew fest wearing a kilt and selling mead
TELL HIM ABOUT MY DOWRY!!!
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
I tried to help you up but you said "let me dance it off"
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
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