He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
Want to come over and play therapist and then fuck all the emotion away?
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
So I can confidently say that I'm the only 3rd year engineering student who completed all 4 of their exams with One Direction pens
that game of battleshots got way too fucking intense. why does the couch have burn marks now.
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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