the only muscles i have these days is kegels
Im at the zoo right now high out of my mind and feel as if the animals are watching me and Im the one in a cage.
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
I will fight anything that is not spinning right now
Hes flirting with her via the sauce packets at taco bell....... I have no words
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
She needs to go. She is like the Yoko Ono of our group.
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
He wants to tie me naked and spread out on his table, press a vibrator to my clit and feed me ice cream.
That is my stoner wet dream!
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
Accent: check. Hot body: check. 8" dick: check. Feeds me biscuits in bed after rampant sex: check. Should I continue with my "Why I'm not coming back to the States" List?
Randomize
