it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
Needless to say Beer Gardens severly frowns upon playing flip cups with real glasses.
you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
Resolution for 2011: blow jobs are a privilege, not a right.
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
I left after my shirt got dropped in the toilet thinking that there was absolutely no good that could happen the rest of the evening. I hear I was very wrong.
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
thankfully we both ride of shamed home together on razor scooters in dresses because we stopped for breakfast sandwiches too
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
I don't think he likes that I'm always sending him pictures of me in my bra but he needs to get it together
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
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