Need sex. Gaining weight.
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
You know I'm really starting to enjoy being everyones first gay experience
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
i dont understand why you dont get why i love him. i opened the bathroom door and he had his penis in his right hand and a mcdouble in his left.
It's a lost cause. Soon she's gonna get naked, just let nature run its course
Ultimate Fighter Idea. You and I both have unprotected sex with the same girl in the spam of days. Whoever the child belongs to, wins and that child is the ultimate ultimate fighter.
How high are you?
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
Randomize
