Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
But seriously he was like a god with his hands. My vagina feels annointed.
Off topic, but is it sad that Matthew and I are calculating how much sex we need to have in order to work off a taco bell burrito?
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
Haha I wasn't coming anyway. I'm watching Snow White and don't want to put pants back on. Those are completely unrelated. Have a good night.
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
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