So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
all i could think about while he was eating me out was how pretty his eyelashes were
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
My favorite part was when you kept telling everyone you were being "green" by drinking straight out of the bottle so u weren't wasting a cup.
Randomize
