My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
I love the moment a guy admits defeat against the front clasping bra.
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
We're cuddling on the couch that me and his brother had sex on...this feels wrong
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
Randomize