oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
He texted me for drugs this time. Not sex. I dunno if I should be pleased it's not sex or disappointed that I come across as a druggie
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
Don't even start with me. You know damn well if you walked into a bathroom with two girls naked in the shower you would stay too. Regardless how drunk I was or whether or not you were my ride.
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
Going on a coke binge the night before your appointment with your therapist (to talk about your sex addiction) is prob not the best idea.
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
Most people that see those numbers aren't going to realize what they mean and those that do will think 'oh those must be her favorite hockey players' and not 'oh she wants to see those hockey players fuck each other'.
Randomize
