omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
five shots of tequila, anal and 3 cigarettes. not my best idea on a saturday afternoon.
stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
let me put it this way. im never saying "join in or get out" again unless i know whos in the room.
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
I'm more concerned with the fact that he was UNconcerned that live poultry could peck him in the nutsack @ any moment of sex
What's the right thing to say when he sends me a picture of his penis ?
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
Yeah totally passed out in their trash can last night.
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
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