hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
She refered to her bed as the "cockpit"....I understand that this morning.
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
You are the tramp this city needs, but not the one it deserves.
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
If it goes near your penis, it should not go near the Hawks.
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
I mean, I bought pot and shampoo before I ran out. I think I can adult.
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
he was the first penis i touched… i have to go to his shitty bands first gig, i mean come on now
I think I just sharted jello shots
Randomize
