You don't have asthma, your pregnant
Dude i fell asleep inside of her
thats awesome
i just pooped in tubberware. not a proud day
On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
Leaving your birthday party to engage in a threesome IS allowed. I checked the rule book.
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
And you are going to be so turned on by my batman skills later
You would critique a dick pic. Damn art people.
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
Randomize
